HOW TO WRITE A PROPER RANT
Alright, here’s the thing, one of my favorite things to see is someone passionately rip to shreds an idea or concept with which they do not agree. I think convictions are healthy, and in fact are a huge part of identity creation. However, you never want to be so convicted about anything that you’re unable to change your perspective in the face of overwhelming evidence. The art of the rant is much more nuanced than angrily shouting into the abyss. It requires charisma, understanding, a generally skeptical disposition with just a dash of skullduggery. Here’s what you do:
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REMAIN CALM
Hear me out. A true rant master must channel his anger into his craft. What makes a rant what it is, is not being angry, but making that anger understood. The point of a rant is to effectively get your point across, and being belligerently upset is not the way to do it. You must first understand the cause of your anger, so you can properly explain in no uncertain terms why the opposing point of view is butthole chocolate ice-cream.
2. UNDERSTAND THE OTHER SIDE
In order to effectively shit on anything, you must understand why it’s an accepted concept in the first place. Your rants must be meticulous and well thought out, therefore you must be knowledgeable about the idea you’re trying to dismiss. Make no mistake, there are legitimate arguments to be made by the opposition, and just because you think it’s stupid doesn’t mean it is. Rants more than anything are hyper-opinionated, biased convictions, and if you really want your message to resonate with an audience you must know thy enemy to beat thy enemy.
3. DON’T BE AFRAID TO BE PETTY
Nothing is too small or insignificant to get pissed off about. My mom stopped cutting my sandwiches in half and she still hears about that to this day and I’m a grown ass man. What am I an animal? The logistics of diagonally cut sandwiches just makes the process of ingestion more convenient. The world needs rules dammit, lack of rules give rise to anarchy, and then before you know it cool ranch Doritos will be the chip of choice. May God help us all.
4. HAVE SOME FUN
There is nothing worse than an a ranter that takes himself too seriously. You must understand that on some level people that go on rants are petty and slightly self-absorbed. Bruh you’re an asshole. Your opinion isn’t more important than anyone’s and truth be told, in many instances no one cares whether or not something is acceptable to you or not, unless you're Beyoncé or those people that do make-up tutorials on YouTube. Ranting is a cathartic exercise that allows you to express yourself at the expense of others, but don’t be a dick about it bro. Respect.
